British humour is misunderstood all over the world. Of course, there are many who believe they can grasp the oddities of the British sense of humour, the majority of these happen to inhabit the British Isles.
One cannot be trained to enjoy this humour. However, one can be trained into better knowledge of the English language, and culture. Then only can one dare dive into the vast ocean of British jocular nonsense.
This page features select jokes that are, more or less, suggestive of what British humour feels like.
After their boat sinks, two Aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM... out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant, mate! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!!”
Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca.
One looked at the other and asked, "Are you brown from the sun?"
"No," replied the other, "I'm Smith from The Times."
English Tourist: Hello. Do you farm around here?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Fantastic day isn't it?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Have you lived here all of your life?
Cornish Farmer: Not yet.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Two seagulls were flying over the beach at a seaside resort one boiling hot August Bank Holiday afternoon. Every way they looked, there were so many people there wasn't a speck of sand to be seen.
"Ah," said one to the other contemptuously, "takes all the skill out of it, doesn't it?"
"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"
"You mean 'I saw.'"
"Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?"
Hotel Guest: "Can you give me a room and a bath, please?"
Receptionist: "I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath."
A woman woke her husband one night and said, "There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!"
"Oh dear," said her husband. "Who shall I call, police or ambulance?"
Brian: What kind of dog is that?
Terry: A police dog.
Brian: Are you sure, it doesn't look much like a police dog.
Terry: That's because it's a plain-clothes police dog.
A man goes into a pet shop and walks up to the counter.
"Yes, sir, can I help you?" asks the assistant.
"I'd like a wasp, please," said the man.
"You'd like a WHAT, sir?" asks the assistant, looking puzzled.
"I'd like a WASP, please," he repeats.
"I'm sorry, sir, we don't sell wasps in here."
"Well, there's one in the window..."
A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession.
"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, "but I think it's the one in the coffin."
Railway Porter (cheerfully): Miss the train, sir?
Passenger: No, I didn't like the look of it, so I chased it out of the station.
A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska.
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
Pupil: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Pupil: Good, because I haven't done my homework.
Mother: Did you enjoy your first day at school?
Girl: First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!